MY STORY

Everyone has a turning point in life. You know, that single event that causes you to look at yourself and say “woah, something needs to change here”. It doesn’t even need to be a big event - hell, it doesn’t even need to be negative. But it has to be significant, at least to you. You probably have it if you’re reading this blog post. And if you don’t, you will. 

I remember my turning point. I had recently started university at the time. Picture an overly worked, burnt out and constantly agitated psychology student. I would stay up for two days studying and then head straight to the nearest club, or wherever the party was (because, you know, fomo). I was surrounded by people all the time and yet I felt like the loneliest person in the world. Truly connecting with people never appealed to me, because I lived in my head. I assumed the worst of people. I thought people (who were doing the exact same thing as me, btw) were shallow, closed-minded and selfish. I never pointed the finger at myself. Why would I do that? I was raised as the Golden Child. The Special One. The one who could do no wrong. So I just projected. And projected, and projected and projected. I hurt your feelings? Well, sounds like a you problem. (yeah, I would’ve hated me too). 

Until one day, a close friend of mine at the time approached me with the declaration that I had hurt her feelings by causing her to feel excluded or left out. Instead of trying to understand her hurt and validating her feelings, I got triggered and became defensive. I deflected blame and actually felt insulted that she would assume the worst of me. So I did what I would always do to avoid feeling triggered again, I shut her out of my life. This cost us our friendship. 

I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart. This wasn’t the first time I had done this, but something felt different this time. As if my spirit guides were warning me that if I continued down this path, I would end up completely alone. So I started doing a little research, and that’s how I stumbled upon the concept of projection and shadow work. Keep in mind that I was a psychology student, so analyzing and understanding people was in my nature. I just never thought to actually do the work on myself. 

Consequently, I started shadow journaling. For those who don’t know, Shadow Journaling is at the very heart and soul of Shadow Work. It allows you to see where your complexes got their basis in your psyche. For example, sometimes we project the qualities of ourselves that we dislike onto others to avoid dealing with them within ourselves. Exploring this allows you to approach other people and the world with a skillful mindfulness that will allow you to move closer towards Wholeness. 

Here’s a real example from one of my first excerpts: “Sometimes, I am the problem. Today I learnt the importance of saying sorry and the influence of the Ego. I learnt that expressing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather an attestation to your ability to exude empathy and understanding towards another - which is one of my values. Being my most authentic self means stripping away this wall and fear and anger towards the world that I’ve held onto for so long. It means getting rid of the idea that the whole world is out to get me. It means understanding that everyone is inherently good. It means truly listening to others, understanding them, and using my sensitivity for good. That’s what the path to humility is.” 

That very first step I took, picking up a pen to journal, prompted an intense 6-month transformative journey. It’s still ongoing, btw. Healing is not linear and healing never stops. Those transformative months entailed isolation, consistent self-reflection, and A LOT of checking myself. There’s this misconception that “spiritual healing” means wearing crystals, meditating and doing yoga every morning. Don’t get me wrong, those things are helpful. But that’s not true, raw inner work. 

True, raw inner work destroys you before it builds you back up again. My entire worldview collapsed (re: dark night of the soul, more on this later). Everything and everyone I thought I knew, everything I was taught growing up, the way I perceived my parents and upbringing, my religious beliefs, my childhood memories - completely destroyed. 

But then the pro’s came in. I finally understood why people expressing their hurt to me would trigger me, therefore now instead of deflecting blame, I can really empathize and validate the way I made someone feel. I finally understood why I consistently got into emotionally and physically abusive relationships and sought out narcissistic cycles, so now I can break a trauma bond if I need to (more on this later). Last but not least, I finally understood what connecting to people really meant - what unconditional, all-encompassing love meant. I finally realized that there is so much more light in the world than my egocentrism allowed me to focus on. 

Today, I feel free. I look at you and, besides seeing your battle scars, I see your inner purity. We were all born pure. And we ALL experienced trauma at some point in our development - whether that caused you to become hard, defensive, narcissistic, promiscuous, socially anxious, out of control… it’s okay. And it’s not your fault. But if you know that something needs to change and you’re not ready to take accountability, then this blog isn’t for you. Come back when you’re ready to step up. And if you are ready to change, I’m excited for you to start your journey. 

Until then, sending love & light. 

Ayla