“But nothing REALLY happened…”
Let’s have a conversation about trauma.
The concept of trauma is still an enigma to many. I studied it and even I can’t really tell you what it is. In fact, no one can really reduce trauma to a singular definition. Specialists can give you varied examples, sure, but trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. What was traumatic to me might not be traumatic to you, and what was traumatic to you might not be traumatic to me. That’s the issue with psychoeducation in our current climate. You see trauma being defined by the media as a soldier experiencing PTSD after returning from war, or an instance of sexual assault causing a teenage girl to abstain from sex.
But what if those things don’t apply to you - yet you inhabit certain dysfunctional behaviors, defense mechanisms and reactions that you just can’t seem to shed? I hear it all the time; within the psychological community, between my friends and family - “but nothing REALLY happened…” So then what did?
Here’s the thing. The media isn’t wrong in their depiction of that kind of trauma. It exists and it is valid. But it’s just one type. Trauma-care practitioners categorize trauma in two ways. The first one is event trauma - it’s usually a singular event that takes place as an adolescent/adult that we can clearly recall (e.g., sexual assault). This type of trauma leaves an imprint on the central nervous system of the individual and is usually the cause of PTSD.
The second category is called developmental trauma. This is the one we don’t talk about. Why? Because who really wants to go down that rabbit hole of reflecting on their childhood and potentially finding out they were (unintentionally) raised in a narcissistic household? This type of trauma involves multiple experiences that happen between caregivers and small children (hence, you can’t remember much). It usually impacts the persons development and nervous system and shapes the holistic overview of the child’s character.
Developmental trauma shows up most in our closest relationships as we get older (i.e., teen girls mainly develop close friendships with other girls and are typically very fragile/bumpy because they mimic the relationship with mother). Eventually, people learn to avoid these kinds of situations where they may get triggered. This is your ego’s primary defense system, it is your mind’s way of protecting you (remember how I mentioned that I would shut people out of my life?). People may also seek it out to try and heal those patterns inhabited from childhood. For example, a young girl who grew up with a narcissistic father may actively seek out relationships like that in adulthood because her ego is trying to repair what was broken in childhood.
We also further separate developmental trauma into another two categories. The first one is attachment trauma (a.k.a. neglect) - this is defined by nothing directly happening (e.g., child is ignored when crying), so people don’t feel like they have the right to be angry or sad. This creates the foundation for co-dependent relationships in adulthood and often times an addiction to downers (e.g., alcohol, xanax). The second one is separation trauma (a.k.a emotional abuse) - which is mostly unintentional and happens because parent’s didn’t have the right resources, support or tools to raise a child with good psychological welfare. The problem is, as kids, we don’t know that it’s unintentional. When something hurtful happens, children tend to personalize it (i.e., I am unlovable, something must be wrong with me). As adults, this impacts our ability to feel safe, trust others and connect in a meaningful way to others. It creates the foundation for counter-dependent behaviors (e.g., hyper-independence, avoidant attachment styles, pushing people away) and an addiction to uppers (e.g., cocaine, ecstasy).
This type of trauma is so important to talk about because it shows up in ways that are not obvious to the naked mind. In my case, I wasn’t addicted to drugs. I was a straight A student. I never got in a fight or got in trouble with authority. But my trauma impacted my internal working model of the world - I viewed the world as a place that causes hurt and pain. So I hurt before I could get hurt. I pushed people away before they could do it to me. I got bored easily, discarded people and needed constant stimulation (i.e., partying, drugs, sex, gossip). I became a people-pleaser, so much so I tolerated abuse in my relationships. And lastly, it impacted my ability to love myself.
I’m going to say this on a separate line because it needs to be engrained in your minds: if you do not love yourself, you have nothing. Let me repeat that - if you do not love yourself, you have nothing. If you do not love yourself, you cannot fathom what it means to love or respect another. So in that sense you reduce the meaning of your relationships to zilch.
So, please start putting yourselves first. Please start honoring and enforcing your boundaries. Please make time for yourself. Check in with yourself. Listen to your body. Respect your needs, wants and values.
You matter, so much. Don’t ever let anyone make you think otherwise.
Ayla