How to not f*** up your kid 101

It’s the ultimate social paradox: sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most actually end up harming us the most.

Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most actually end up harming us the most.

It’s a hard truth that many of us don’t want to face. After all, we love our parents, don’t we? Our brains are biologically wired to do so, even when we don’t necessarily want to. But sometimes, the very people who are supposed to protect us end up causing the most pain.

I love my parents. And I’m sure you love yours too. But that doesn’t mean they were perfect—nobody is. As much as I’ve tried to understand their mistakes and see the bigger picture, I can’t deny that I’ve also been deeply affected by things I experienced growing up. And I know I’m not alone. The good news? Healing is possible, and it starts with understanding and forgiving—not for their sake, but for your own.

The Reality of Imperfect Parenting

I’ve come to realize that my parents, like all of us, were just doing the best they could with the tools they had at the time. And while I acknowledge their human flaws, I also recognize that their actions impacted me—and likely still do in some ways. The difference is, I can choose to see their mistakes with compassion, which is a privilege not every child gets.

The truth is, we all have to eventually forgive our parents for their imperfections. This doesn’t mean letting them off the hook or pretending like it didn’t hurt, but rather choosing to let go of the anger and resentment that can hold us back.

Why Therapy Doesn’t Always Fix What We Expect

Many of us end up in therapy trying to fix a problem we think is unrelated to our upbringing. You might walk in with insomnia or relationship problems, only to realize that the root of the issue goes back to something that happened when you were a child. That’s the thing about childhood wounds—they don’t always show up the way we expect.

When you start exploring the way you were raised, a lot of what comes up can feel overwhelming. Childhood patterns, even the subtle ones, are often unhealthy and go unnoticed for years. In many cases, those patterns are so deeply ingrained that they don’t even seem like a problem until you’re an adult looking back.

Intergenerational Trauma: Why It’s More Common Than You Think

Intergenerational trauma is the unspoken epidemic in many families. It’s not always obvious, and it doesn’t always involve physical abuse, but the impact is far-reaching. Parents pass down their own emotional wounds to their children, often without realizing it. A lot of the parenting methods that seemed normal in past generations—things like conditional love, shame, and control—are now seen as toxic. But for many, these behaviors are all they’ve known.

This is especially common in narcissistic family systems where parents prioritize their own emotional needs over those of their children. These parents don’t see their children as independent individuals; instead, they view them as extensions of themselves, manipulating and molding them to fit their own desires.

Recognizing the Subtle Forms of Toxic Parenting

While these behaviors might not seem extreme, they can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Using silence as punishment, comparing children to others, shaming their bodies, or dismissing their emotions are all forms of subtle neglect. These patterns may not warrant a call to social services, but they still leave lasting scars that can affect a child’s ability to trust, express themselves, and form healthy relationships as an adult.

Re-Parenting: Healing the Inner Child

This is where the concept of re-parenting comes in. Re-parenting is the practice of giving your inner child the love and care that they didn’t get growing up. It’s about providing what you lacked—whether that’s validation, emotional safety, or the freedom to express yourself without fear of judgment. It’s a process of healing by nurturing yourself in the ways that you weren’t nurtured as a child.

If you’ve experienced neglect or emotional abuse, you may have developed what are called "father" or "mother" wounds. These wounds are patterns of emotional pain, shame, and neglect that you carry from childhood. The father wound often stems from a lack of love or support from your father—leading to feelings of inadequacy and the inability to trust yourself. The mother wound, on the other hand, may come from a mother who was either too controlling, dismissive, or competitive, which can make you feel like you were never enough.

Both wounds can leave you feeling like you have to betray your true self to gain love and approval. And unfortunately, this can manifest in dysfunctional behaviors and unhealthy patterns that show up in adulthood.

How Childhood Wounds Show Up in Adulthood

Those childhood wounds don’t just disappear. They show up in a variety of ways. People-pleasing, overachieving, co-dependency, self-sabotage—these are all symptoms of an unmet need for love and validation in childhood. As adults, we carry these behaviors with us, and they can leave us feeling unworthy, stuck, or even disconnected from ourselves.

If you’ve struggled with chronic anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or trouble maintaining healthy relationships, these are all common signs that something deeper needs healing. The good news is that by identifying these wounds, you can begin to heal them.

The Truth About Parenting: No One Gets It Perfect

There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. No matter how hard we try, we’re going to mess up. We carry our own wounds, and sometimes, without even realizing it, we pass them down to our kids. But that’s okay. The key is to be aware of those patterns and actively work to break the cycle.

Re-parenting isn’t a quick fix, and it isn’t easy. But it’s essential if you want to heal. It requires you to look at your past honestly, acknowledge the pain, and then choose to give yourself what you were denied as a child. It’s a long, ongoing journey, but it’s one that leads to greater self-love, emotional resilience, and healthier relationships.

Healing Through Self-Love

Re-parenting isn’t about changing the past—it’s about reclaiming your personal power. When you start to heal your inner child, you begin to trust yourself again. You’ll learn that it’s okay to say no. You’ll create space for vulnerability, which allows for deeper connections with others. And most importantly, you’ll discover that self-love is the foundation of everything. It’s not about fixing yourself—it’s about nurturing and accepting yourself as you are.

So, are you ready to start your own re-parenting journey? It’s not a quick fix, but the rewards are well worth it. When you heal those childhood wounds, you can break free from the cycles of trauma that have held you back and start living authentically. Trust yourself, love yourself, and embrace the process. You’ve got this.

Ayla