How to not f*** up your kid 101
It’s the ultimate social paradox: sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most actually end up harming us the most.
Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most actually end up harming us the most.
I love my parents. We all do. Your brain is biologically, sociologically and evolutionarily wired to love your caregivers - even when we don’t want to.
And while I recognize that my parents are human and did the best they could with the resources they had at the time - I also acknowledge that they weren’t always perfect. They’ve admitted to their fair share of mistakes when raising my siblings and I. Which is a privilege in and of itself - in essence, having parents whom are self-aware enough to apologize for their wrongdoings. I realize entirely that this is a privilege not every child has access to.
Which is why it’s important to forgive them on your own.
Most people come to therapy to heal from childhood wounds, even when they don’t know it. You could waltz into a therapist’s office with the intention of procuring a quick fix for your insomnia, only to find yourself twenty sessions deep scrutinizing the way you got ignored when you were five.
Depending on the type of therapy, upbringing patterns are almost always broken down, analyzed and often times - demonized. But people don’t realize that these patterns are universal and extremely common. Intergenerational trauma is extremely common. Before Gen Z, no one dared to vocalize their feelings about developmental abuse or neglect. No one challenged the status quo or the voice of authority. If you did something bad, you were shamed for it. Your parents had the right to spank you and tell you what to do. They had the right to lock you in your room for days on end. Tell you how to act. Tell you who to be.
Fortunately, in line with conscious parenting movements and the rise of childhood abuse awareness campaigns - more and more parents are becoming aware of dysfunctional family patterns.
Nonetheless, some parents still exhibit those patterns because it’s the only way they know how to parent. Intergenerational trauma is induced genetically and environmentally. Parenting does not come with a detailed handbook. We learn through the knowledge bestowed upon us by those who came before us. If your grandparents enabled a narcissistic family dynamic, why would your parents be any different?
More commonly seen in collectivist cultures, but still extremely widespread, a narcissistic family indicates one where the needs of the parents are the focus and the children are expected to bend over backwards to meet those needs. Parents who adopt this home life model tend to view their children as an extension of themselves, rather than as an individual, autonomous human being - and use methods of conditional love, gaslighting, reinforcement and punishment to mold their child into however they see fit.
Subtle relational, developmental trauma is so pervasive in society that it has become virtually invisible. Children in a narcissistic family system are not heard, seen or nurtured. We all know some parents who have inadequate boundaries with their kids (i.e., lack of privacy or discouraging autonomy). Or they exhibit a co-dependent attachment with their child (i.e., inappropriately expecting too much from their child). Or they aren’t able to give their child a safe space to healthily express their emotions. Or they only display affection when the child presents with an external achievement.
Other toxic behaviors include but are not limited to:
Using the silent treatment as a form of punishment
Comparing your child to siblings or friends
Slut-shaming or body-shaming your child
Chastising your child for having or displaying emotions
Using religion to shame, guilt or coerce a certain behavior
None of these things warrant a call to social services, but they still f*** you up as an adult nonetheless.
Which is where re-parenting comes in. Re-parenting is the process of giving yourself that which you didn’t receive as a child. Your inner child is the part of your consciousness that embodies your childhood experiences. If you were neglected or abused in childhood, you may have either developed a father wound, a mother wound, or both, depending on who your attachment bond was disfigured with.
The father wound pertains to the lack of love from the father figure. Passed down from generation to generation, this wound is an agglomeration of the unconscious pain, shame and negative self image that is generated from the societal programming that berated men for their emotions and vulnerability. The internalized pain they project towards their children results in the father that is critical, destructive, absent or neglectful, and controlling.
Similarly, the mother wound is also consistent with the pain, trauma and shame that’s carried by a mother pre and perinatally and eventually inherited by her children. It results in the mother who is engulfing (i.e., has to be involved in every aspect of her child’s life, tells them what to wear or who to pick as friends and romantic partners), ignoring (i.e., invalidates or ignores their needs) or envious (i.e., competes with and puts them down).
All of this makes the child feel like they have to betray their authentic self in order to gain the love, approval, attention and connection that they need from their caregivers.
All of this makes the child feel like they have to betray their authentic self in order to gain the love, approval, attention and connection that they need from their caregivers.
Alas, this manifests as several dysfunctional personality types and behaviors in adulthood. Those are your fellow people pleasers, the bad communicators, the narcissistically defendants, the approval seekers, the overachievers, the co-dependents and hyper-independents.
The ones who can’t love their own body no matter how hard they try, the ones who self sabotage because they don’t feel worthy of love, the ones who struggle to have or maintain boundaries, the ones who get into abusive relationships, the ones who use drugs and sex to escape, the ones who hurt people before people hurt them.
The ones who have persistent depression and anxiety, the ones battling eating disorders, personality disorders, insomnia, attention deficits….
Need I go on?
Modern health care emphasizes the notion that prevention is better than cure. Logical? Definitely. Feasible? We’re still trying to figure that out. But it brings me to my next question: is there a way to NOT f*** up your kid?
The shorter answer is no. Parents possess their own demons to battle too. As children we grow up idealizing our parents and rendering them incapable of mistakes. But they are going to make mistakes, and those mistakes are going to shape the holistic overview of your character. The reality is that conscious parenting is not a universal system, and most of us were subjected to unintentional neglect, abuse and conditional love. But, a part of conscious re-parenting is realizing just that. It’s making the switch from a victimizing and finger-pointing mindset to an evolved level of awareness and holding yourself accountable for your adult circumstances.
As a generation that thrives on quick and easy fixes, I’ll be one of many to tell you that there is no quick fix. Reparenting yourself is a long process that requires a lot of de-conditioning and unlearning. It’s also terrifying, confusing and anxiety-inducing to suddenly become aware of an unhealthy childhood upbringing.
It’s an enriching process, though. One that will allow you to experience wholeness. You’ll finally learn that it’s okay to say no. You’ll get in touch with your body and needs. You’ll allow yourself to get emotionally vulnerable with others and create authentic relationships. You’ll begin to trust yourself and others. You’ll train yourself to see that the most important form of validation comes from within yourself.
You’ll let self-love take over you. And that’s really all you need.
Send love & light,
Ayla