Defeating [you]r very own enemy

Last week I met someone who brought up a philosophical question that is at the very core of psychological research - a question that, at first glance seems so elementary, so straightforward and lucid that surely there must be one definitive answer. Yet, this is a question that has baffled scientists for years.

“Is our essence a product of nature or nurture?”

Ah, yes. The nature vs. nurture debate. A truly wondrous enigma…and dinner table conversation.

And get this… the answer is even more unimaginative: It’s both.

But here’s the catch: we all love to pick a side. We love to claim that nature or nurture is the root cause of who we are—like declaring one side of the chicken-and-egg dilemma the winner. But the truth is far messier. Nature and nurture don’t exist in silos; they’re in a perpetual dance, influencing each other in a continuous loop.

Let’s break it down.

Imagine an anxious mother who has an anxious baby. The baby cries—frequently. Naturally, the anxious mother becomes even more anxious. Her anxiety ramps up, and now she’s hovering, overprotecting, maybe even becoming somewhat disagreeable. This, in turn, creates an insecure attachment in the baby, setting the stage for a lifetime of patterns. The anxious baby grows into an adolescent who seeks out relationships and experiences that reinforce this anxiety.

This is why, as a trauma-informed practitioner, I will never stop preaching the impact of childhood trauma. Our past doesn’t just shape us—it quite literally reprograms our brains.

Developmental trauma changes the structure and function of a child’s developing brain and nervous system.

The Biochemistry of Trauma

Let’s skip the biochemistry jargon, but here’s the essence: our childhood experiences are etched into every neural pathway in our minds. Trauma doesn’t just sit in our memories; it disrupts the fundamental systems that govern how we think, feel, and behave. The limbic system, responsible for emotions; the hypothalamus and amygdala, the emotional memory banks; and the prefrontal cortex, where decision-making and impulse control are governed—all of these are impacted.

What happens when these systems are disrupted? We struggle with empathy, we make poor decisions, and we fail to form healthy connections. In the clinical world, we see these disruptions manifest as personality disorders, specifically Cluster B disorders—think narcissism, borderline personality disorder, antisocial behavior. These disorders, while extreme in some cases, have their roots in trauma, and they don’t always look like textbook cases in everyday life.

In fact, these behaviors are far more common than we realize. You’ve probably seen them in your family members, friends, coworkers, even in yourself. People still act in self-destructive and self-sabotaging ways because it’s the only way they know how.

People still act in self-destructive and self-sabotaging ways because it’s the only way they know how.

The Question Isn’t "Why Are We Like This?"

Now, here’s the real question: Can we change?

If we are the sum of our genetics and experiences, if our very essence is crafted by both nature and nurture, can we really rewrite the script of who we are? Can a little introspection and self-awareness turn things around?

Maybe yes. Maybe no.

But one thing is certain: Change doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a binary outcome: either you put in the work to evolve, or you stay stuck in the same patterns, endlessly asking "Why me?" to anyone who will listen.

And guess what? Change begins with accountability.

You Are Your Own Enemy

I know, I know—cliché alert. But here’s the painful truth: You are the only person standing between you and the life you want to lead. You’re the one who chooses whether to stay in self-sabotaging loops or to finally take the reins. Sure, you can blame your upbringing, your genes, your circumstances—but ultimately, nothing will change until you do.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have compassion for yourself. After all, we’re all wonderfully flawed humans doing the best we can. But if you find yourself continuously drawn to toxic relationships, losing jobs, or struggling with destructive habits like binge-eating or people-pleasing, it’s time to face reality.

You Deserve More Than Mediocrity.

You deserve more than to just coast through life, taking whatever scraps come your way. When I started looking inward—when I started taking responsibility for my actions and my past—I discovered a wealth of strength I didn’t even know existed. And let me tell you, it’s not about being perfect or having everything figured out. It’s about the freedom that comes with owning your story and choosing to act in alignment with your true self.

The Power of Change

When you step into accountability, you’ll find an unstoppable power within you. You won’t just feel more abundant—you’ll feel more whole. The kind of wholeness that doesn’t rely on external validation, but comes from the knowing that you are, at your core, enough.

So, are you ready?

If you’re prepared to confront your own demons, to battle the conditioning that has held you back for years, I promise you this: you’ll come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and more authentic than you ever thought possible.

You’ve got everything you need to change. But first, you have to own it.

Sending love & light,
Ayla